Thursday, August 20, 2009

Loneliness Rut

I'm just going to come right out and say it. I'm lonely. And no, this isn't another post about how I can't stand being away from L., and all that, although that is the main reason, most likely. I just feel like I'm stuck in this rut where I'm only fulfilling one part of my life, soul, whatever you want to call it. The way I see it, we all have "x" distinct parts that we're made up of, and that need nurturing to keep us healthy and happy. For instance, my parts would be interpersonal, intellectual, physical, productive, and internal. So, to satisfy my interpersonal romantic needs, I would see L. more than once every three months, be in tune with my emotions, give and receive homemade gifts, etc. Or I would get to see my parents more often, or spend quality time with my friends. Intellectual is always well enough taken care of by being in school, but for those times when my classes just aren't doing it for me I love to check classics off my reading bucket list. Physical is anything from eating healthily, drinking plenty of water, and feeling good about that, to going to the gym, or even just getting a pedicure and making sure my hands stay lotion-ed and soft. When little things like that feel good, the rest of me does too. My productive needs would range anywhere from making a to-do list and successfully completing everything on it to having a job, earning money and feeling like I'm valued somewhere, doing something. And internal...well isn't that the ambiguous one. That's just really anything else I know I need to be happy, that I can't get from any of the aforementioned areas. For instance, reading blogs that I love, having my tea every morning, writing, both here and elsewhere, looking at pictures of puppies, cleaning and organizing my dorm room...just anything I know makes me feel great.
And this summer, I just do not feel like I am satisfying all those needs. I'm certainly not seeing enough of L. I miss my parents. I mean, during the academic year when I'm living away from home I don't see them, either, so it's not like this should seem much different. But this is really the first time, at least it feels, that I've gone off and lived on my own. Granted, I am staying in a dorm on my college campus, so it's not like it's this exotic and strange spot that I don't actually inhabit nine other months of the year. But I paid for this rip-off room myself (no laundry or kitchen...yup), my roommate has since left and I'm just, well, alone. Some of my best friends were on campus this summer and I felt like I hardly saw them, or hardly got a glimpse of what was going on in their lives. I just feel disconnected from everything.

The gym is only open in this awkward window for approximately an hour before and after I go to/get out of work, and I'm just going to make it clear now: I am not a morning exercise person. Rushing home after work, changing out of my business clothes and into my running shorts all for a 45 minute workout is just not working out this summer. That's hardly enough time for all my cardio! I am drinking enough water, which is nice. I've actually counted, and I've been going to the bathroom at work an average of about 8-10 times per day. This is because I actually have to go, not because I'm wandering around wasting time. So, yeah, water's taken care of.

The only areas I really feel like I'm fulfilling in any significant way this summer are my need to be productive, and my need for intellectual stimulation. I'm working 40 hours a week at one job and about 10 hours per week at a night job, so definitely keeping busy and seeing money come in, which is nice. My job at the art museum is really interesting. I'm actually getting to do what I love, which is edit, and I'm learning a ton of art history. But other than that, I'm feeling less than par on my brain teasing activities.

Part of the problem with all this is that sometimes, when situations like this present themselves, I just accept the funk-mode and don't really try to take any active steps to change it. Someone like C., for example, is always in a routine. She'll go to the gym, go to the coffeeshop and do work, find tickets to a show, make dinner plans, etc. If I'm feeling funk-ish I'll do, for example, what the plan for tonight is: take the money I would have spent on dinner and use it to buy the last four episodes of Season One of How I Met Your Mother on iTunes, and then curl up in my bed with some sugar-free pudding and do that until I fall asleep. Strangely enough, during the school year a night like that would be a dream come true! Having the time to watch tv shows aimlessly and eat guilt-free junk food is a desire I cannot often satiate. But a whole life of that? Um, no. Lethargic and boring and lonely. Which is how I'm feeling now.

I can't wait until this summer is over! Last day of work tomorrow, packing up and heading home for a week, and then L. arrives next Monday! Counting the days.

Is anyone else out there kind of in a rut this summer?

[Images from Flickr, Warwick,]

1 comment:

  1. i'm totally in a rut this summer....that's how i started blogging! come check out my blog, i bet we have a lot in common. keep it up!